So, I ended up giving myself a few more days than I had intended to to allow my body to rest.  My knees were so sore, and while I understand the term "No pain, no gain" I am not willing to risk permanent injury to such a vita part of my body.  Knee injuries? No thanks. I like being able to walk, run, and move at will with no pain.

Jade and I have been dining out quite a bit, avoiding the home scene.  It's been a little stressful; it's often loud until Heather goes to bed, we're both constantly interrupted, and there's nothing but junk food.  Katelyn was also here this weekend, making it fucking annoying and nearly impossible to do anything since she kind of just takes over all of the space (including the computer. I  have to disconnect mine and hook up Heather's so she can play stupid games that she requires help with every 5 minutes).  It goes without saying, too, that when we arrived home late Friday night, the counter was literally covered in junk food. Sour candies, chips, salsa, and to top it all off, Chinese food in the fridge.  I ate some candy and (somehow) resisted the chips.  You win some, you lose some, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  This is a lifestyle change, and it's okay to have treats. It's the habit of them that I need to break.

Bleh.

I'm starting level 2 of the 30DS tonight.  I've tried to watch what I've eaten, but I've found my resistance to temptations slipping a bit since I allowed myself the cheat meal/day.  Need to get out and about more; I need to keep going.

I've reached a place psychologically that makes me keep questioning what I'm doing.

"Why bother? This is a short term thing that's just gonna blow up in your face."
"You look bigger now, why deny yourself the things you want if you're not getting anywhere?"
"You won't be able to keep up with this, so just forget it."

Even though there are some tangible results, I am finding it very hard to keep going mentally. I don't know why this self-sabotage always kicks in, I really don't. I know that a lot of the eating disorder is mental, even though I almost feel like a get a mild high when I eat something I enjoy, but I find it a lot harder to combat internal things mentally than phsycially.

The weather will be turning shortly and I need some new long sleeve/warmer tops.  Part of me is thrilled to go shopping, but another part of me is still so scared, full of self-loathing.  I am also dreading it because I can't particularly afford new clothes - or anything - right now.

I was beginning to get tired of doing the same workout every day, so I decided to give myself a rest day for Day 10 of Level One and hop right into Level 2 the next day.  Planking is my bane in this level, comparable to push ups.  If dedication and consistency play the same role in this level, I can believe that I'll be (somewhat) capable of doing them by the end of the 10 day stretch.

Day 1, Level Two

I think I did alright, considering it was a whole new workout routine.  Some of the moves are modified from Level One, but she adds more components. A lot more leg burn, and I'm feeling it more in the abs too.  I considered it a trial run and didn't push myself right to the limit.. kind of regret that part.  But, live and learn. At least I did it, right?

Day 2, Level Two

Did my Wii fit portion first - probably shouldn't have.  I made it about half way through the workout before I wanted to just quit. Though I stopped doing everything she said about half way through (my knees were absolutely killing me) I did leave the video on, and joined in half-heartedly during moves that didn't hurt.  I'm considering giving myself a day or two rest from this and restarting level two next week.  I won't stop exercising, I"ll just do something different.  We'll see how I feel tonight.

Weigh in day is tomorrow. I haven't pushed myself as hard this week, so I don't think I'll be seeing any grand results.  My mid-week weigh in was 199.1lbs, so I'm thrilled that I'm finally under 200 again. I am also proud of myself for something else I did this week.  Yesterday was a stressful day; shop finances were a mess and I had to scramble to find money to cover a cheque that could have bounced (my rent, no less) since a bunch of fees were withdrawn early.  I wanted so desperately to detour to Tim Horton's on my way to work and consume several Boston Cream doughnuts.  I didn't. When I got home, I was faced with chips, custard (which I freaking LOVE by the way), chicken strips, and a multitude of other awful things.  People were eating it in front of me, but I calmly made my healthy dinner and just ignored it.  I do not need food to feel good emotionally.

Day Nine, Level One

Felt a little rough after the rides at the fair last night, so I didn't end up doing the workout.  I pretty much crawled straight into bed after we got home.  Tonight is day nine, and I'm gonna rock it.

Day 7, Level One

Felt so exhausted that day, and only made it half way through the workout. I didn't make it through, but I sure as hell do not regret trying.  I did manage to stay within my calorie goal, though, despite going out for horrible food on a friend's cheat day.  We went to Red Robin's.. the food was awful. Didn't even feel like the cheat meal was worth it.  Ugh.  I'm not beating myself up about it, though.  I am making lifestyle changes.. these changes need to be sustainable. It is okay to eat what I want every once and a while. I will always be faced with temptation.  I just need to learn how to take moderation in stride.

I need to stop associating food with guilt. It is not healthy, and it only compromises my efforts to get healthier.  I am working on building a healthier relationship with food. I will not allow that self-destructive behaviour to dominate my thoughts anymore.

Day 8, Level One

Still feeling exhausted.. it's that lovely time of the month.  Was faced with junk food choices again, but managed to take it in stride.  Jade took me out for ice cream as a weekend treat.  I blissfully accepted, as I've been craving some ice cream for days.  He got a milk shake, I got a small, single scoop cone.  I enjoyed it, and I was proud that I didn't even think about beating myself up for it.

Heather was ill on Friday, and ordered pizza for dinner tonight.  I did go to the grocery store and get a lot of veggies for a salad, but ended up eating pizza anyways.  I went for a long, vigourous 2 hour walk that morning and intended to do my 30DS workout (which I DID do).  I  had three slices, and was still under my calorie goal for the day. Woo!

I had to stop a couple of times, but I did make it through the video.  When I was done, I still felt sleepy, but my body was not as exhausted as it has been previously after completing the workout.  I did put effort into it, but I'm not sure if it felt different because I didn't fully exert myself or if I'm just building up endurance.  It almost felt like I cheated somehow, but I don't think I did.. I sure was cursing during the routine.  I forced myself to start it up, and I'm glad that I did last night.  Didn't bother with the Wii Fit, though.  Tonight that will be added for sure.

Two more days left of Level One.  I'll allow myself a rest day on Tuesday, then dive right back in into Level Two.  Not looking forward to another 4 days of constant aches from new muscles getting worked.

Day 6, Level One

I almost go through the push-ups!  I stopped for about 5 seconds twice. That is miles ahead of where I was from even the last day.  Endurance is up, arms are looking toned, and I'm feeling like this whole journey is going to be even more amazing than I thought.

My knees are feeling a little bit sore today, but I'm not too sure why.  I want to push myself even harder tonight, since level two is just around the corner (and I need to prepare for another 4 or 5 days of constant aches and pains from a whole new workout) but at the same time, I don't want to injure myself.  I'm not feeling any strain or pain from my knees during the workouts, though.. I'll just have to pay some extra attention to them tonight.

Bought the Wii Zumba Fitness dance game and can say that I am thoroughly disappointed. They are terrible at teaching you the moves, giving you no instruction beyond emulating the person on screen. I tried, and they kept saying "Great, perfect!" even though I know I was getting nowhere near the moves.  I then stopped and just shook the controller, got plenty of "Great, perfect!" encouragements, and promptly shut it off.  I'm going to be returning that for sure.  Jade and I are interested in getting the Playstation Move, so perhaps I'll get a more pop-esque dancing game for that instead.   I just want some aerobics workouts that have a good beat to get lost in.

Fridays are going to be my weigh in days, along with the beginning/end days of the levels for the 30DS.  This morning, I hopped on my balance board, and took the plunge.  To be honest, I was a little scared of what the result would be since I know I've been gaining muscle (which is good, I know, but it's the psychological aspect of "failing" that I was afraid of)

Result: 200.5 lbs. That is a 7% loss from my starting weight. Awwwwww, yeeeaaahhh.

My goal is to be at least 190lbs before we leave for Las Vegas, and at this rate, that is so very, very achievable. I may even hit my high goal of being 175lbs by Christmas if I keep this up.

Gonna push through this and make it happen.  Emmie, if you're still reading this, you're up next.

Day 5, Level One

Again, didn't do this until late at night.  I don't want anyone else to see me doing it because I feel super vulnerable in my workout clothes and find myself in compromising positions for a lot of it.  I don't know if exercising so close before bed is good or bad, or if it doesn't matter, but I'm wondering if I'm having trouble because I do it at the end of the day.  I suppose it doesn't really matter, because I'm still pushing myself, and I'm still seeing results.

I ended up (mercifully) getting a few breaks for a couple minutes each during the workout, because the buffering on my PS3 kept freezing, forcing me to get up, wait, turn the machine off, turn it back on, wait some more, then find the video again. I also didn't quite meet my calories burned goal for the Wii Fit portion of my workout, but I did do about 75% of it.

Those damn push-ups in circuit one got me again.  I'm not even doing the real ones.. they're they girly half-push-up ones.  I'm proud though; even though I did take a few 5 second breaks, I managed to do two sets of 10 without stopping. That is an improvement for sure.

The jump rope cardio part is also challenging for me. I've modified the move even more to alternate from one foot to the next.. seems to be easier on my ankles.

Friday is my weigh in day.  I'm excited, but nervous.. I may not have lost any (in fact, I may have gained due to muscle) so I am preparing for that.  I have a feeling though, that as prepared as I may be for that possibility, it may really disappoint me.  Carry on, carry on.

Day 4, Level One

We didn't get home until about 10:45pm yesterday night.  While I know that a solid sleeping pattern is essential to health (especially when you're trying to get into shape) I did not want to let the fact that it is late stop me from doing my workout, so I threw on my workout clothes, rolled out the yoga mat, and started up the video.

Again, circuit one was a pain and a struggle to get through.  My greatest weakness: the push-ups.  It hurts my arms so badly when I do multiples that it makes the other exercises hard to do.  I did have to rest several times, but I made it through. I think I am going to practice push ups outside of my work out times to build up my endurance for those.

The rest of the workout was good for the most part.  Again, the weights are a little heavy for me to be doing both arms simultaneously for some of the exercises, but I've modified the ones that I am having trouble with to one arm at a time, with bursts of me pushing myself and doing both arms for as long as possible.

Instead of doing Jillian's cooldown, I did my own.  I skipped the Wii fit portion of my daily workout routine because by the time I was all done with this, it was just after midnight.  I'm going to make up for it tonight by finding ways to sneak in some extra exercise.

I am feeling pretty damn good today.. not sore at all, really.  I also broke my own rule and measured myself today before the week was up.. I'm rather pleased with the results.

I started with this:

B: 118
W: 102
H: 126

I now have these measurements:

B: 111.5cm
W: 101cm
H: 122cm

That is a total loss of 10.5cm, which is the equivalent of just over 4 inches. Holy. Fuck.

Day 3, Level One

My muscles ached so badly yesterday that I honestly (and truly) considered letting myself not do the workout for the evening.  Thankfully I didn't go easy on myself, and pushed through it.  I never regret a workout once its complete, but I certainly do regret going days without exercising.  I'm tired of allowing myself to make excuses.  The best results come from pushing through the undesirable and uncomfortable parts.

I had a hard time pushing through circuit 1.  The push ups honestly made me cry out because my arms are so sore and feel like jelly, but I did what I could. I stopped several times during the 30 second time frames, but I did not give up.  I only got through about half of the strength training exercises, but I did 'em too.  The only part that I felt I did adequately on was the abs.  Goodbye, tummy.

By the end of the first 10 minutes, and as we moved into circuit 2, I felt energized and ready to rock.  I seriously kicked circuit 2's ass.. didn't stop, did almost all of the advanced moves, and felt my endurance kick it up a notch. Nailed it!

I got through circuit 3 pretty well too, but by the end, I was exhausted and wanted to do nothing but lie on the floor and not move.  I did have to stop a couple of times, but they were very brief pauses, and I pushed myself double time to make up for them.

This morning I woke up with less aches in my legs and stomach, but my arms are still sore. I read some reviews about the 30DS online, and some people switch the levels up throughout their days.  I think I'm going to stick with the 10.10.10 method this round, and perhaps vary the levels the next time I decide to torture myself.  While doing the same routine for seven days in a row can get repetitive, I'm pretty sure it's designed to work with that timeframe.  I'm already seeing results, so I don't want to mess with it too much.

Today is Day 4, Level One. I am half looking forward to it, but I can also say that the 30 day goal feels so far away.

30 Day Shred

So, since I am kicking my own ass and forcing myself to be fully committed to creating healthy habits for life and all that jazz, I have decided that I am going to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred challenge.  I almost wrote "try" but failure is not an option this time.

Not too long ago, I would have talked about it for a while, thought about it for a while longer, and eventually decide that I wasn't ready.  I discovered the video yesterday, and I started yesterday.  I'm going to do short journal entries for each day, and stick to it this time. 

Day One, Level One

I felt awkward in my new workout outfit since my shorts and top seemed to accentuate every roll, and somehow create new ones.  Fought through it.  I laid my mat down, grabbed my dumbbells, and strutted around the house for 10 minutes or so.  Jade kept looking at me, and I got a little self concious.  Called him on it, caught myself, and continued on.  I closed the doors to the living room and started the video.

While at work, I watched through the video so I knew what I was getting into.  I'm glad I did, because it made starting much less frightening.  The two women doing it with Jillian are Anita (for beginners) and Natalie (for advanced/returning people).  I followed Anita for most of the time, but did follow Natalie for some moves or half the time.

I did a lot better than I thought I would. My endurance definitely needs some work though.. I often stopped for longer than 5 seconds, but I didn't give up.  I fought through it and I completed it.  I missed half of a couple of the exercises, and dropped the dumbbells from a few of them (my arms ached so badly).  I am aware of my abs now, and my upper arms feel heavy.  Not hurting enough to think that I really pushed myself to my limits. Day two is going to be hell.

Day 2, Level One

Had to stop a couple times, but managed to push myself through some of the tough bits from yesterday. I got to the point where I was actually grunting and groaning, and while I didn't feel like I wanted to be sick during the workout, I certainly felt that way for a brief time afterwards.

My arms felt like butter, and I'm wondering if I should get myself some smaller/lighter weights.  The ones I have are 8lbs each and it seems like a lot to just dive right into.  I want to push myself, but not hurt myself. I can't go the whole 30 seconds per exercise with them both.  Maybe tomorrow I'll try it with the one and alternate hands.

Though I felt like I did worse today (because I had to stop), I think my endurance was up a bit.  I am proud of myself for the fact that I never stopped longer than one minute, and I hopped right back in even though I wanted to quit. I also completed more exercises than I did yesterday.

I want to succeed so badly.  This time my goals are going to be reached. This time, I am going to succeed and nothing is going to stop me.

I think it may be nap time now.

** Edit: So, my muscles certainly did ache mid-afternoon. I don't notice it until I get up to walk around, which I made sure to do every half hour or so. It's far too easy to just sit in front of a screen all day and get next to no physical activity.

New goals: Work on correcting posture, and ultimate goal weight is 160lbs.

I can fucking do this.

Today is the third day of me consciously not eating meat.  I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty fantastic, and I am super thankful to have a tasty, versatile protein alternative that is constantly at my fingertips (thanks, hemp seeds :D) since I really do not like tofu.

Portion control has been steady, and my sweet tooth seems to be under control.  I haven't had anything to drink besides water, skim milk, or coffee, and while sometimes I miss the taste of pepsi, I have found that over the past few months, when I have allowed myself to have some, I can barely finish half a can.  It's hard to believe that I used to easily down an entire 2L bottle and still want more.

My skin is looking amazing, too.  I'm going to chalk that up to the water consumption (I'm drinking at least 8-10 cups a day) and the good ol' hemp seeds and all their fancy omega oils.

I'm beginning to venture into the forums on myfitnesspal (while staying on top of my food diary entries).  I think this will be good.  The fact that I did not allow months and years to lapse between my efforts is making me feel even more confident in the changes that I"m making.

Weighed in this morning - 202lbs.  I am only four pounds away from being half way to my goal weight! (pre-Vegas. Seven more to go for that goal)

I FEEL SO FREAKING GOOD.

So, I did weigh myself the day I said I would, but I never got around to posting it.  Gained a bit back, as expected, but it is not as much as I thought it would be.  My weight was just under 203lbs.

I have been consistently eating breakfast, and keeping myself hydrated.  Need to work on getting more exercise and improve my sleeping routine.

I'd like to lose at least 10lbs before we head off to Vegas mid-October. Totally achievable if I stick to what I'm doing..

I'm reducing my meat consumption even more than I have been over the last few years.  Not going full out vegetarian, but I'm definitely going to be aiming for no more than 3 servings of meat per week, and I'm going to expand my recipe book and start trying new things. I need to get myself back in the kitchen regularly.

Tomorrow morning I will do a weigh in.  It's out there now.. I'm committed.

B: 118
W: 102
H: 126

That's what I'm restarting with.  I don't have my weight - I'll find out tomorrow morning.  It'd be easy if I had a scale, but all I've got is my Wii Fit balance board.

I've eaten breakfast two days in a row now, and I've decided that I'm going to start using myfitnesspal again to track my eating.  I was doing really well with that.. it seems to work by holding me accountable.

Didn't go skating last night, but I'm not going to make an excuse.  Instead, I'll go tonight.. even if it's only for half an hour. I'm going to push myself a little more, and make sure my ankle is wrapped just in case.

I'm still feeling exhausted, but I'm feeling good too.  One step at a time.. one day at a time.  Breathe.

Hormones; the bane of my efforts to eat healthy.

I love being a woman. I love being a female. I love pretty much everything about it.. except my period.  The hormones drive me crazy, the cramps are a bitch to deal with, and I am constantly craving salty, fatty, awful, and deliciously sinful foods.

I'm going to be straight up.. I've been lazy with my eating habits lately. I haven't cared about making sure I eat breakfast, or that I've had a lot of fried foods lately.  I have, however, been much better with portions (I eat so much less now comparatively.. and it is due to my body's own volition, huzzah!).  I haven't had as many veggies or fruit as I'd like, but that is more because it hasn't been available, rather than me just not eating them.

If I could, I'd eat nothing but veggies all the time.

I am trying to exercise more.  I flailed (and injured myself) at the derby tryouts, but I'm going to keep skating.  At least three times a week, making sure I get rest as well.  I really pushed myself the day before the try outs, and bailed pretty badly a few times.  I'm convinced that my body resisted and protested in outrage because I didn't not give it a chance to rest.

My throat is phlegmy and I've been feeling exhausted, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.  I will get my measurements again sometime this week and reboot this whole experience.  Perhaps not a daily blog, though.. a minumum of four times a week, maybe.

Open to your thoughts, concerns, and encouragement.

I kind of want to eat myself into oblivion right now.  I won't.. but, I want to.

Hmm.. so it's been over a month since I strayed from my attempt at making a habit.  I'm not sure if the lapse has been a good thing or not, but hey.. it is what it is.

Thanks to the support of one of my dearest friends, here I am again, trying to get re-inspired.  My eating habits lately have been not as great as they could be as far as choices go, but I am finding that portion control is virtually effortless now.  My stomach has shrunk a bit, and I am thankful for that.  I do not need as much to feel as full, and I am finding that I am generally only eating when I'm hungry.  Huzzah.

I've had a few drafts drawn up for longer posts, but I just can't bring myself to complete them.  This feels more candid.. more natural.  I think that perhaps leaving it at this - restarting small - will be the kickstart that I need to try to get back into the swing of things.

So, cheers to the path taken, and the path we are forging ahead!

The hormones are raging and I am suffering from some serious p.m.s. symptoms in the form of desiring all kinds of awful foods. Sweet, salty, greasy.. and the resistance was not entirely possible.

I went into Sidney this evening for a meeting.  Jade wandered the market, and came back with one of my favourite treats: a Hungarian langos; fried bread with sugar and just a wee bit of cinnamon.  I totally didn't even question it.  He's always been quite intuitive and has consistently brought me things that I want or need without ever mentioning it.  I'm not sure if it's because he knows me so well, or simply responds to hormones and pheromones on an instinctual level, but he sure is sweet to me when he wants to be.

We had it out this afternoon, but I came hope to a beautiful roast beef dinner; one of my favourite meals.  Even though it is not the healthiest, I can proudly say that I did watch my portions.  They were a little bigger than I've been having lately, but, c'est la vie.  I think I needed it.. my metabolism seems to have been kickstarted again and is in "go" mode.

I did give in to a bit of late night snacking, too.  It's okay, though.. nothing too awful.  A small bowl of tortilla chips and some salsa.. and a couple small slices of garlic sausage.  I still feel hungry.

I've begun adding some minor strength training into my regime with my dumbbells.  I've only got arm curls, and the one where you hold it behind your head at the moment.  I must research some good toning exercises to do with them.

I got a good walk in this morning (and was late for work because of it.. stupid buses not being on schedule.) If I had simply taken the route I usually walk, it would have been no problem.  Instead, however, I followed the bus route which takes about twice as long.  First came early and I missed it, so I figured I'd walk to the next stop.. then the second one came WAY early and I missed it too.  By the time the third one rolled past, I was 2 minutes away from my shop. Oh well.. no use stressing about that.

Anyway, lots to do tonight, so I think I'll end this here. I'm feeling productive, and very positive about what's to come.

I've been pretty involved with this whole lifestyle change.. and rightfully so, I think.  However, I'm beginning to feel a little bit of guilt about my ever growing "To Do" list.  Since I seem to have some solid ground work for these new habits I'm beginning to form, and my energy is increasing, I think it's time to start tackling it.

Now, a lot of things on this list may seem superficial or totally irrelevant to some people... quite a number of them have to do with a video game I play.  HOWEVER, I will not allow others to judge me based on this.  This other world is my escape; it's got some of my very best friends and is a place where I can complete immerse myself and express myself creatively.  I love it, and I shall nurture it over the next few days.

Though I have been throwing myself into work, the list there is ever growing as well.  I seem to have finally found a happy balance with those things.. while I am more than happy to work my fingers to the bone to get ahead and do what needs to be done, once I cross the line of "too much" the work I do is not of the same quality, and I sometimes have to repeat it.  Learning to say no was a hard lesson for me, and learning to allow myself to rest is another thing I need to tackle.

I looked up some lunch ideas and recipes.. and decided that I need some hummus.  In fact, I want to learn how to make hummus. When I'm finished this blog, I'm going to go make myself a buffalo chicken wrap for my lunch tomorrow. Just thinking about it makes me want one now - ugh.

I think I had too much protein today.  I mean, I feel fine, but I had yogurt, two eggs, hemp seeds, and chicken. Too much? Maybe. I found that I was wanting to eat a little more than I have been lately (not just the desire to eat out of habit, but actual hunger) but I think it's because I got a lot of exercise today.. or perhaps my metabolism is finally catching up to what I'm doing.

Today was a weigh in day, and I can proudly say that I have dropped almost 4 pounds since last time I reported.  I've also lost 2cm each off of my waist, hips, and bust. Woo, progress!  I do not expect to keep seeing nice big numbers since I'm sure a plateau is on the horizon, but I sure feel a lot better, and I'm beginning to foster a healthier relationship with food.  That all in itself is worth this journey.

Since the "high horse" incident, Jade has been telling me that I'm quiet, and more reserved than usual.  Perhaps I am.. it's not intentional, but I've been focusing almost all of my energy internally.  I need to heal. I need to challenge myself. And really, since he's decided he'd rather stand on the sidelines than coach or support me, I need to be my own rock.  The only person one can truly rely on is themselves. (Especially when I was just teased about calling this whole ordeal a journey that I am on. "Where are you going? This isn't Mordor.")

With that, I shall finish with my check-in report.

SW: 215
CW: 198 (-17)
Bust: 114 (-2)
Waist: 102 (-3)
Hips: 122 (-2)

I kind of missed breakfast this morning.. while I know I said it needs to be more than a banana, a banana is all I had time to grab before leaving for work (and it's still green, totally not ripe.)  I did, however, eat my green grapes (which were supposed to be one of my snacks, but I've still got some green beans for later). I spent my extra time making my lunch, which I'm a little more thankful for.  A roasted chicken sandwich on cheese bread, with red leaf lettuce, mustard, tomato and a wee bit of fat-free mayo.  It's gonna be delish.

Up early, work early, work all day, meeting tonight.. ugh.  I think I may go for a walk during the time I have in between work at the VWCA meeting tonight.  I've decided that I will be resigning from the board, but I will attend this last meeting as a show of good faith.  I simply don't have the time or energy for it any more.. I need to focus on me, and my business.

Focusing on work has been a good "rock" for me.  I can see progress, something tangible.. in a sense, I suppose, I'm using it to mirror what I'm trying to do for myself.  Be more efficient, get healthier, grow as a person.  I draw a lot of strength from the trials I have suffered through, but I'm hoping that there is some smooth sailing soon.

So, I find it ironic that on a day I intend to blog about how important a good night's sleep is to your overall health and fitness journey, I end up staying up until about 1:30am when I need to be up at 7am the next morning.  Huh.. interesting how life throws those curve balls at you.

I have been going to be around midnight for the last couple of weeks, and have really been thanking myself for it.  I have an easier time getting up in the morning (but, it's still a fight), find that I have more energy throughout the day, and I don't get the same heavy/acidic feeling in my stomach that I used to wake up with regularly.

Sadly, this morning, those feelings returned.  It did not help that we went to Denny 's after swimming.. and I couldn't really find anything somewhat healthy that seemed appealing.  I ended up having some chicken strips and a garden salad.  Doesn't sound too bad, right?  While it could have been worse, I definitely will not be repeating that mistake.  The salad was alright, but didn't have any dark, leafy greens; just bagged iceberg lettuce.  The chicken strips were tasty, but loaded with salt and other horrific things, I'm sure.  While certain chicken strips are alright for this whole diet change thing, these ones must be closer to the "totally awful" end of the scale.

All I can do is learn from the mistake, remember this feeling, and try not to repeat it.  While indulging is okay every now and then, this was not one of my cheat days.  Gotta keep that in check.

I was told by my husband to "get off [my] high horse" when I was a little distressed that I couldn't find anything that fit into my plan.  I tried looking up the nutritional information on my phone, but it's old, and cranky, and didn't want to load properly.  I've decided that I am no longer going to look for him for support. This is my journey, my recovery, and me taking charge of my life.  He is lucky enough to have never had to struggle with an eating disorder, so, as cliche as it sounds, he simply doesn't understand the struggle.  I'm not making excuses for him, I'm trying to make it easier for me to not depend on his support or encouragement because he's made it clear he's not going to offer either.

I promised myself no shame. No hate. No guilt.  I'm not going to let those feelings get to me. They're banished.  I won't let myself accept those feelings, and I sure as hell am not going to let him make me feel those things.

Week One: Complete

I am now one whole week into my new regime.  I'm feeling pretty good about it so far -  nothing has felt forced, I have not once felt guilt or shame, and I am feeling fantastic physically.

Today I drove into Sidney to visit Capital Iron and buy myself a food scale.  It's a little StarFrit one, but it is fantastic.  It has grams/kilograms, and ounces and pounds, making it very easy to compare portions to labels and various other nutritional information.  I've been eyeballing it for a while, but it seems that I was pretty close to being on track with most things that I've recorded so far.  Since it's the weekend, and one of my cheat days, I portioned out some chips.  It's all fine and good to think that we're having one serving when we try to stop ourselves, but I am a very visual learner.  Seeing what 50g looks like makes my life so much easier.  The fact that it's separated in a bowl and the bag is put away is another huge improvement.  I don't eat simply because it's there, and I'm not tempted by the sight/smell of more. Huzzah!

Writing in this blog has become a part of my night time routine.  While I am normally a stickler for editing, this blog is written simply as I think. My whole thought process just spills out into cyberspace. I do this for two reasons.. one, to be able to later reflect what state of mind I was in when I wrote it so I can review and evaluate my journey, two, to not censor myself; if this journey is to be about getting healthy, then I need to focus on a holistic approach.  I need to nurture my mental, emotional, and spiritual self too.  Letting the words flow helps me get these things out of my head. It puts the energy out into the universe.. who cares if it's not my best writing work?  This is for me, and me alone. I guess it helps, too, that I think I am my best work, eh?

My goals over the last week have been: 

• Eat breakfast
• Take a lunch to work
• Blog daily
• Work on portion control
• Exercise daily

I would say that I have succeeded in all of those things, but I could improve the amount of exercise I'm getting, and I would like to expand the recipes and types of food that I bring to work with me for lunch.  Breakfast also needs to be more than a banana.  I am proud of the fact that I have been able to meet most requirements for my goals.. and shall now work on improving those standards.  The above stated will be perpetual goals. Every Sunday I will state additional weekly goals, to go along with them.

My goals over the next week will be:

• Introduce strength training at least three times a week
• Start practicing yoga again, and perhaps find a class (that's not too expensive) or a video to follow
• Find more healthy recipes
• Roller skate

Yes, I think that'll do for now. With that, I am off to dream land - good night, World.

Cheat Day~

So, every healthy lifestyle includes wiggle room.  I call my wiggle room my cheat days; days where I'm careful about what I eat, but also allow myself to have treats without guilt and without shame.  Denying myself junk food or comfort foods will just push me off of the giant cliff of binge eating.. and I really don't want that.

I found that even with that allowance I didn't do so badly.  I had a rather decadent sandwich for lunch, went out for East Indian food dinner (which I wasn't a huge fan of, to be honest - it was a buffet, and a lot of the food looked as if it had been sitting under the heat lamps for a while) and had an ice cream cone.  I had only one plateful at dinner, and it was not stacked high.  I walked away feeling sated, and good. Not overstuffed, not bloated.. it was a very nice feeling.

I also found that I was more willing to exercise to work off the treats when I wasn't telling myself that I had to.. simply that it is a healthy decision, but won't be the end of the world if I decide against it.  Out of that whole deal, I got a walk around Beacon Hill Park, and some fun with my Wii Fit.  So hard done by, right?

I think I am going to make my weigh in days be Sunday and Wednesdays.  I would really like to invest in a bathroom scale, and a kitchen scale (for my food - easier portioning, woo!).  I shall look into those tomorrow.

All in all, I realised that stressing and getting upset over things is not going to fix anything. I'm going to turn myself around and be positive and choose to be happy.  We attract the kind of energy that we put out there, so why walk in the darkness when I could be dancing in the sunlight?

Tired, Stressed, Blah

Today was a little rough; the weather is grey, gross, and absolutely pouring down with rain.  While I love a good rainy day from time to time, the timing of this one just seems to be the icing on the cake of the week I've been having.

Finances are stressful right now.  The shop is not that busy due to a multitude of reasons, I owe a lot in payables, and my husband isn't working. It sucks, and I'm tired. Plain and simple.

I snacked a lot today, some of it due to stress. For the first time since I bought the shop.. I seriously considered selling it.  It seems like there's been a never ending circle of taking one step forward and getting knocked back two.  I feel like I'm drowning in debt.. I can't even afford to eat as well as I'd like to. I'm making do with what I've got, the best that I can do with the cards that are dealt, but I'm finding myself wondering more and more if what I'm doing is worth all of this trouble.

I know it's just a tough day/week/month.. whatever you wanna call it. It will pass.. it always does, and in retrospect, things don't seem as bad as they do at the time.  I will feel better next week, I will walk with my head held high, but sometimes I just don't want to be strong.

Today is one of those days.

Feel Good Progress!

Vandalism; needless, pointless, and expensive.  Good morning, and happy Thursday to you too, random citizen!

This morning started off a little rough.. slept in, ran a little late, Jade was having trouble finding paperwork that he needed, but no matter.. we were on our way into town and the sun was shining.  About half way there, I got a text message from my friend Erin, the manager of the downtown store, asking me to call her as soon as possible.  She walks by my shop every morning to bring her daughter to school, so I figured that something had happened.  Lo and behold, a large piece of concrete was thrown through my shop's window last night.  Joy.

While my past self would have spent time worrying, stressing, and craving junk to cope, I found that I confronted the situation calmly, with patience, and with an ease that I am happy to have found once again.  It was a hassle, but not unmanageable.  It adds to my debt load, but it's not unreasonable.  I did not find myself reaching for something sweet or something salty, and I found that I did not have an emotional black hole to try to fill.  I felt confident and I felt in control, but, perhaps most importantly, I felt proud.

It's only been a couple of weeks since I've really started to crack down on my eating habits, but I have already seen some drastic improvements, physically, emotionally and on a certain level, spiritually.  My clothes are already fitting a bit better.  I weighed myself this morning - 92kg (202.4 pounds - much better than the ~215 starting weight I had a couple of weeks back.)  Though I am not focusing on the numbers of my weight, it is encouraging to see the number drop.  I'm a big fan of tangible results, so it was an extra kick of encouragement.

I am very much looking forward to the day when I will not have to feel self concious about sitting down.  I don't like the way my stomach rolls protrude; even when I'm hidden, or you cannot see the lower half of me, I feel exposed, judged, and at the worst times, ashamed.  It's sad.. I preach that everyone should love their body no matter what shape or size, yet I have such a hard time doing that myself.  Step by step, I'm working on 100% true self love while I work towards my goals.  Every day gets a little easier.

Jade was finally approved for his funding for schooling, so we celebrated by going out for food.  While it would have been very easy for me to fall into my old habit of "I've had a rough day, I deserve a treat" mode, I instead chose something from the Lifestyle Choice menu from White Spot.  There are only three items, but they are all tasty.  I decided to go for the chicken breast burger, on a multigrain bun, with lettuce, red onion, tomato and chipotle sauce.  It came with a side of a tossed salad with artisan greens, and a raspberry vinigarette. Very tasty and very satisfying.  I walked away feeling full, and feeling great.

Every decision, no matter how small, affects us in one way or another.  I cannot describe how good it feels to have this lifestyle change feel natural, and not be a chore.  Soon I won't even have to think about it.

SW: 215
CW: 203

Neck: 60cm
Waist: 105cm
Hips: 124cm
Bust: 116cm

I promise a picture will come soon.

Habits

They say it takes 30 days for a habit to start to form. I googled this little "fact" and came across this website here listing 29 ways to successfully ingrain a new habit or behaviour.  There are some good ones in there.. including writing down your goals, posting them (along with progress reports) and ensuring you have solid reasons for doing what you're doing.  So far so good; I've got those down.

The habit that I am trying to ingrain right now is eating proper meals.  In the past I often skipped breakfast.. and sometimes even lunch.  I couldn't be bothered to get up early enough to make myself a lunch to take to work with me (or sometimes made the excuse of not having enough food/felt too poor to eat more than one meal a day).  Making one in the evening didn't really work either.. leftovers were rare (let's chalk that up to overeating) and I had "too many other things to do" to bother with a lunch.  No more of that - I'm done. Finished. It's not healthy and really it only harms me in the long run.  It's not difficult, it's not expensive, and really.. once the habit is there I'm sure it'll be a snap.

Recently I've been doing bananas and yogurt in the mornings.  That seems to be working alright.. easy enough, don't require any prep/clean up, healthy and fast.  Lunches lately have been salads and such, made with the red leaf lettuce that has been growing on the porch.  That feels pretty good.. eating food that I've grown myself.  Eating the same things day in, day out can get boring though (as much as I love salads) so I'm trying to find some recipes to shake things up.  Tomorrow's lunch will consist of perogies and salsa, chopped carrots, and sliced strawberries - mmm!

It's only day 2 with myfitnesspal, but I'm really feeling that it's making a difference with my eating habits.  I learn best visually, and having the charts of nutritional value in front of me does wonders.  Math in my head is easily forgotten and shrugged off.. this is something comprehensive.  It keeps me on track by keeping me accountable to myself and my friends - I love it.

Now, I promised measurements and weight today.. but I forgot my measuring tape at work.  I will weigh myself tomorrow morning - no excuses!  I did enter my measurements in fitnesspal, but I can't seem to find where they've been recorded (it's only asking my what my new ones are so it can show me a graph..)

Heather's birthday is today and she's home from her vacation tomorrow.. I'm off to bake a strawberry rhubarb pie (with rhubarb from the garden! - I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing that)

Cheers~

anx·i·e·ty1.

  [ang-zahy-i-tee]  Show IPA

noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.

distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune.

I think that sums up how I'm feeling at the moment.  I'm anxious about failing, I'm anxious about keeping food off of my mind (which of course, only brings it to the forefront), I'm anxious that because of that my mind wanders to comfort foods. Can I resist temptation? What happens if I slip up? What if I indulge too often? The cycle simply repeats itself.

I can not let it get to me. I WILL not let it control me.  I  have no intention to remove those comfort foods from my diet, but instead, I strive to control them.  Portions, and servings.. I simply need to moderate how much and how often.

Breathe.. just breathe.

Another friend of mine, C.L., re-introduced me to a website that I used to use way back in the day (well, the one I used was differently named, but I swear it's the exact same model).  I actually had quite a bit of success with it, and I hope that this blog, combined with the food tracker of myfitnesspal, I'll be able to successfully control my eating habits to the point where I will not need to consciously be thinking about them.


If what you are eating is not there, it can be a little tedious to enter the nutritional information, but it gives a great overview of what is in what you're eating.. very helpful for motivation, and sometimes deterrent.  It has positive reinforcement in the form of encouraging/positive posts about your activity, forums and support groups, and a wealth of knowledge that I hope will be helpful.  While the focus of the site seems to be primarily losing weight, it is a tool that I think may just be my secret weapon.  Feel free to request to add/follow me if you are on the site. My username is Inrequia.


As I write this, my anxiety is subsiding.. I forgot how therapeutic writing can be. It's a very good feeling.  Cheers to day 2.

Day 1 (Re-re-re-start)

Inspiration is everywhere.

Being healthy is a lifelong commitment. It is not a fad, not a diet, but a perpetual goal that changes and grows as we do. During my adult life I have considered myself someone who is conscious of their lifestyle. I always strive to make healthy decisions, keep my health on track. Thankfully, besides having a few more rolls than I'd like, I am a healthy 24 year old woman, and while some of that can be credited to youth and good genes, I will also pat myself on the back and say "Good job." I don't smoke, only drink socially (which really, is not too often) and stay somewhat active. There is always room for improvement, though.

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with an eating disorder. I overeat, emotionally eat, and eat when I'm bored. Idle hands often wander to junk food to alleviate what I assume would be considered as boredom (however, in my mind, I am rarely - if ever - bored.) While the degree varies, I have, in the past, had a very unhealthy relationship with food. I used it as a reward, as a punishment, as an incentive, as a tool.. as a temporary band-aid. While the instant gratification made me feel good and safe, it was, is, and always will be inevitably fleeting.

I realise this, and have taken great strides in correcting this behaviour. It has been a long, rocky, winding road, but I feel that the worst is behind me. I may fall, and I may stumble, but I will no longer be feel ashamed. I will no longer hate myself for the mistakes, or moments of weakness. We all have them, we all make them, and we will all continue to do so. I am stronger now, and I know that because of those darker times I am who I am today, and can fight this battle head on.

I feel that I have made some great progress over the past few years, and have felt very confident over this last week. I can do this. I can keep it up.

Portion control; I honestly feel that this is the biggest and hardest part of my endeavour. I always want more, I think (or maybe want to think?) that I am almost always hungry. Food is quite often on my mind - especially when I cannot have it, or am telling myself that I do not need it. And most times I don't, really - it's often an hour or so after a meal, or right before bed.. I identify as a snacker, and it is a very hard habit to break.

I've been doing well, however, with keeping my portions small. If I still feel hungry, I wait 10-15 minutes after I eat to go get more. I avoid dessert until a little later, and if I do have dessert, I have been trying to make sure I get an extra bit of exercise. I have been taking Tundra on at least one walk a day.. Island View Beach has been the most common destination so far.

My recent goal has been to get at least 20 minutes of exercise a day, and work on my portions/healthier eating. I can confidently say that I have succeeded in doing that for the past week. So, cheers to a good start!

I have been inspired by a dear friend of mine, Cerine, who is on a journey all her own at the moment, to make this blog public. I am not going to openly promote it, but instead give the URL to a few people to begin with. If more decide to read or follow, then so be it. This is mostly so that I stay accountable to myself. Support, however, is always appreciated.

Tomorrow I shall take my measurements (and possibly my weight, but really, the only scale I have access to is my Wii Fit balance board, and I'm not sure how accurate that is). A "start" photo will also come along. Losing weight is not my primary goal here; feeling good and staying healthy is. My body shape, as opposed to weight, is where I will be focusing physically, and I will be focusing on nurturing and forgiving myself emotionally and psychologically.

Go team!