So, I ended up giving myself a few more days than I had intended to to allow my body to rest.  My knees were so sore, and while I understand the term "No pain, no gain" I am not willing to risk permanent injury to such a vita part of my body.  Knee injuries? No thanks. I like being able to walk, run, and move at will with no pain.

Jade and I have been dining out quite a bit, avoiding the home scene.  It's been a little stressful; it's often loud until Heather goes to bed, we're both constantly interrupted, and there's nothing but junk food.  Katelyn was also here this weekend, making it fucking annoying and nearly impossible to do anything since she kind of just takes over all of the space (including the computer. I  have to disconnect mine and hook up Heather's so she can play stupid games that she requires help with every 5 minutes).  It goes without saying, too, that when we arrived home late Friday night, the counter was literally covered in junk food. Sour candies, chips, salsa, and to top it all off, Chinese food in the fridge.  I ate some candy and (somehow) resisted the chips.  You win some, you lose some, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  This is a lifestyle change, and it's okay to have treats. It's the habit of them that I need to break.

Bleh.

I'm starting level 2 of the 30DS tonight.  I've tried to watch what I've eaten, but I've found my resistance to temptations slipping a bit since I allowed myself the cheat meal/day.  Need to get out and about more; I need to keep going.

I've reached a place psychologically that makes me keep questioning what I'm doing.

"Why bother? This is a short term thing that's just gonna blow up in your face."
"You look bigger now, why deny yourself the things you want if you're not getting anywhere?"
"You won't be able to keep up with this, so just forget it."

Even though there are some tangible results, I am finding it very hard to keep going mentally. I don't know why this self-sabotage always kicks in, I really don't. I know that a lot of the eating disorder is mental, even though I almost feel like a get a mild high when I eat something I enjoy, but I find it a lot harder to combat internal things mentally than phsycially.

The weather will be turning shortly and I need some new long sleeve/warmer tops.  Part of me is thrilled to go shopping, but another part of me is still so scared, full of self-loathing.  I am also dreading it because I can't particularly afford new clothes - or anything - right now.