So, I ended up giving myself a few more days than I had intended to to allow my body to rest.  My knees were so sore, and while I understand the term "No pain, no gain" I am not willing to risk permanent injury to such a vita part of my body.  Knee injuries? No thanks. I like being able to walk, run, and move at will with no pain.

Jade and I have been dining out quite a bit, avoiding the home scene.  It's been a little stressful; it's often loud until Heather goes to bed, we're both constantly interrupted, and there's nothing but junk food.  Katelyn was also here this weekend, making it fucking annoying and nearly impossible to do anything since she kind of just takes over all of the space (including the computer. I  have to disconnect mine and hook up Heather's so she can play stupid games that she requires help with every 5 minutes).  It goes without saying, too, that when we arrived home late Friday night, the counter was literally covered in junk food. Sour candies, chips, salsa, and to top it all off, Chinese food in the fridge.  I ate some candy and (somehow) resisted the chips.  You win some, you lose some, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  This is a lifestyle change, and it's okay to have treats. It's the habit of them that I need to break.

Bleh.

I'm starting level 2 of the 30DS tonight.  I've tried to watch what I've eaten, but I've found my resistance to temptations slipping a bit since I allowed myself the cheat meal/day.  Need to get out and about more; I need to keep going.

I've reached a place psychologically that makes me keep questioning what I'm doing.

"Why bother? This is a short term thing that's just gonna blow up in your face."
"You look bigger now, why deny yourself the things you want if you're not getting anywhere?"
"You won't be able to keep up with this, so just forget it."

Even though there are some tangible results, I am finding it very hard to keep going mentally. I don't know why this self-sabotage always kicks in, I really don't. I know that a lot of the eating disorder is mental, even though I almost feel like a get a mild high when I eat something I enjoy, but I find it a lot harder to combat internal things mentally than phsycially.

The weather will be turning shortly and I need some new long sleeve/warmer tops.  Part of me is thrilled to go shopping, but another part of me is still so scared, full of self-loathing.  I am also dreading it because I can't particularly afford new clothes - or anything - right now.

I was beginning to get tired of doing the same workout every day, so I decided to give myself a rest day for Day 10 of Level One and hop right into Level 2 the next day.  Planking is my bane in this level, comparable to push ups.  If dedication and consistency play the same role in this level, I can believe that I'll be (somewhat) capable of doing them by the end of the 10 day stretch.

Day 1, Level Two

I think I did alright, considering it was a whole new workout routine.  Some of the moves are modified from Level One, but she adds more components. A lot more leg burn, and I'm feeling it more in the abs too.  I considered it a trial run and didn't push myself right to the limit.. kind of regret that part.  But, live and learn. At least I did it, right?

Day 2, Level Two

Did my Wii fit portion first - probably shouldn't have.  I made it about half way through the workout before I wanted to just quit. Though I stopped doing everything she said about half way through (my knees were absolutely killing me) I did leave the video on, and joined in half-heartedly during moves that didn't hurt.  I'm considering giving myself a day or two rest from this and restarting level two next week.  I won't stop exercising, I"ll just do something different.  We'll see how I feel tonight.

Weigh in day is tomorrow. I haven't pushed myself as hard this week, so I don't think I'll be seeing any grand results.  My mid-week weigh in was 199.1lbs, so I'm thrilled that I'm finally under 200 again. I am also proud of myself for something else I did this week.  Yesterday was a stressful day; shop finances were a mess and I had to scramble to find money to cover a cheque that could have bounced (my rent, no less) since a bunch of fees were withdrawn early.  I wanted so desperately to detour to Tim Horton's on my way to work and consume several Boston Cream doughnuts.  I didn't. When I got home, I was faced with chips, custard (which I freaking LOVE by the way), chicken strips, and a multitude of other awful things.  People were eating it in front of me, but I calmly made my healthy dinner and just ignored it.  I do not need food to feel good emotionally.

Day Nine, Level One

Felt a little rough after the rides at the fair last night, so I didn't end up doing the workout.  I pretty much crawled straight into bed after we got home.  Tonight is day nine, and I'm gonna rock it.

Day 7, Level One

Felt so exhausted that day, and only made it half way through the workout. I didn't make it through, but I sure as hell do not regret trying.  I did manage to stay within my calorie goal, though, despite going out for horrible food on a friend's cheat day.  We went to Red Robin's.. the food was awful. Didn't even feel like the cheat meal was worth it.  Ugh.  I'm not beating myself up about it, though.  I am making lifestyle changes.. these changes need to be sustainable. It is okay to eat what I want every once and a while. I will always be faced with temptation.  I just need to learn how to take moderation in stride.

I need to stop associating food with guilt. It is not healthy, and it only compromises my efforts to get healthier.  I am working on building a healthier relationship with food. I will not allow that self-destructive behaviour to dominate my thoughts anymore.

Day 8, Level One

Still feeling exhausted.. it's that lovely time of the month.  Was faced with junk food choices again, but managed to take it in stride.  Jade took me out for ice cream as a weekend treat.  I blissfully accepted, as I've been craving some ice cream for days.  He got a milk shake, I got a small, single scoop cone.  I enjoyed it, and I was proud that I didn't even think about beating myself up for it.

Heather was ill on Friday, and ordered pizza for dinner tonight.  I did go to the grocery store and get a lot of veggies for a salad, but ended up eating pizza anyways.  I went for a long, vigourous 2 hour walk that morning and intended to do my 30DS workout (which I DID do).  I  had three slices, and was still under my calorie goal for the day. Woo!

I had to stop a couple of times, but I did make it through the video.  When I was done, I still felt sleepy, but my body was not as exhausted as it has been previously after completing the workout.  I did put effort into it, but I'm not sure if it felt different because I didn't fully exert myself or if I'm just building up endurance.  It almost felt like I cheated somehow, but I don't think I did.. I sure was cursing during the routine.  I forced myself to start it up, and I'm glad that I did last night.  Didn't bother with the Wii Fit, though.  Tonight that will be added for sure.

Two more days left of Level One.  I'll allow myself a rest day on Tuesday, then dive right back in into Level Two.  Not looking forward to another 4 days of constant aches from new muscles getting worked.