So, I ended up giving myself a few more days than I had intended to to allow my body to rest.  My knees were so sore, and while I understand the term "No pain, no gain" I am not willing to risk permanent injury to such a vita part of my body.  Knee injuries? No thanks. I like being able to walk, run, and move at will with no pain.

Jade and I have been dining out quite a bit, avoiding the home scene.  It's been a little stressful; it's often loud until Heather goes to bed, we're both constantly interrupted, and there's nothing but junk food.  Katelyn was also here this weekend, making it fucking annoying and nearly impossible to do anything since she kind of just takes over all of the space (including the computer. I  have to disconnect mine and hook up Heather's so she can play stupid games that she requires help with every 5 minutes).  It goes without saying, too, that when we arrived home late Friday night, the counter was literally covered in junk food. Sour candies, chips, salsa, and to top it all off, Chinese food in the fridge.  I ate some candy and (somehow) resisted the chips.  You win some, you lose some, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  This is a lifestyle change, and it's okay to have treats. It's the habit of them that I need to break.

Bleh.

I'm starting level 2 of the 30DS tonight.  I've tried to watch what I've eaten, but I've found my resistance to temptations slipping a bit since I allowed myself the cheat meal/day.  Need to get out and about more; I need to keep going.

I've reached a place psychologically that makes me keep questioning what I'm doing.

"Why bother? This is a short term thing that's just gonna blow up in your face."
"You look bigger now, why deny yourself the things you want if you're not getting anywhere?"
"You won't be able to keep up with this, so just forget it."

Even though there are some tangible results, I am finding it very hard to keep going mentally. I don't know why this self-sabotage always kicks in, I really don't. I know that a lot of the eating disorder is mental, even though I almost feel like a get a mild high when I eat something I enjoy, but I find it a lot harder to combat internal things mentally than phsycially.

The weather will be turning shortly and I need some new long sleeve/warmer tops.  Part of me is thrilled to go shopping, but another part of me is still so scared, full of self-loathing.  I am also dreading it because I can't particularly afford new clothes - or anything - right now.

I was beginning to get tired of doing the same workout every day, so I decided to give myself a rest day for Day 10 of Level One and hop right into Level 2 the next day.  Planking is my bane in this level, comparable to push ups.  If dedication and consistency play the same role in this level, I can believe that I'll be (somewhat) capable of doing them by the end of the 10 day stretch.

Day 1, Level Two

I think I did alright, considering it was a whole new workout routine.  Some of the moves are modified from Level One, but she adds more components. A lot more leg burn, and I'm feeling it more in the abs too.  I considered it a trial run and didn't push myself right to the limit.. kind of regret that part.  But, live and learn. At least I did it, right?

Day 2, Level Two

Did my Wii fit portion first - probably shouldn't have.  I made it about half way through the workout before I wanted to just quit. Though I stopped doing everything she said about half way through (my knees were absolutely killing me) I did leave the video on, and joined in half-heartedly during moves that didn't hurt.  I'm considering giving myself a day or two rest from this and restarting level two next week.  I won't stop exercising, I"ll just do something different.  We'll see how I feel tonight.

Weigh in day is tomorrow. I haven't pushed myself as hard this week, so I don't think I'll be seeing any grand results.  My mid-week weigh in was 199.1lbs, so I'm thrilled that I'm finally under 200 again. I am also proud of myself for something else I did this week.  Yesterday was a stressful day; shop finances were a mess and I had to scramble to find money to cover a cheque that could have bounced (my rent, no less) since a bunch of fees were withdrawn early.  I wanted so desperately to detour to Tim Horton's on my way to work and consume several Boston Cream doughnuts.  I didn't. When I got home, I was faced with chips, custard (which I freaking LOVE by the way), chicken strips, and a multitude of other awful things.  People were eating it in front of me, but I calmly made my healthy dinner and just ignored it.  I do not need food to feel good emotionally.

Day Nine, Level One

Felt a little rough after the rides at the fair last night, so I didn't end up doing the workout.  I pretty much crawled straight into bed after we got home.  Tonight is day nine, and I'm gonna rock it.

Day 7, Level One

Felt so exhausted that day, and only made it half way through the workout. I didn't make it through, but I sure as hell do not regret trying.  I did manage to stay within my calorie goal, though, despite going out for horrible food on a friend's cheat day.  We went to Red Robin's.. the food was awful. Didn't even feel like the cheat meal was worth it.  Ugh.  I'm not beating myself up about it, though.  I am making lifestyle changes.. these changes need to be sustainable. It is okay to eat what I want every once and a while. I will always be faced with temptation.  I just need to learn how to take moderation in stride.

I need to stop associating food with guilt. It is not healthy, and it only compromises my efforts to get healthier.  I am working on building a healthier relationship with food. I will not allow that self-destructive behaviour to dominate my thoughts anymore.

Day 8, Level One

Still feeling exhausted.. it's that lovely time of the month.  Was faced with junk food choices again, but managed to take it in stride.  Jade took me out for ice cream as a weekend treat.  I blissfully accepted, as I've been craving some ice cream for days.  He got a milk shake, I got a small, single scoop cone.  I enjoyed it, and I was proud that I didn't even think about beating myself up for it.

Heather was ill on Friday, and ordered pizza for dinner tonight.  I did go to the grocery store and get a lot of veggies for a salad, but ended up eating pizza anyways.  I went for a long, vigourous 2 hour walk that morning and intended to do my 30DS workout (which I DID do).  I  had three slices, and was still under my calorie goal for the day. Woo!

I had to stop a couple of times, but I did make it through the video.  When I was done, I still felt sleepy, but my body was not as exhausted as it has been previously after completing the workout.  I did put effort into it, but I'm not sure if it felt different because I didn't fully exert myself or if I'm just building up endurance.  It almost felt like I cheated somehow, but I don't think I did.. I sure was cursing during the routine.  I forced myself to start it up, and I'm glad that I did last night.  Didn't bother with the Wii Fit, though.  Tonight that will be added for sure.

Two more days left of Level One.  I'll allow myself a rest day on Tuesday, then dive right back in into Level Two.  Not looking forward to another 4 days of constant aches from new muscles getting worked.

Day 6, Level One

I almost go through the push-ups!  I stopped for about 5 seconds twice. That is miles ahead of where I was from even the last day.  Endurance is up, arms are looking toned, and I'm feeling like this whole journey is going to be even more amazing than I thought.

My knees are feeling a little bit sore today, but I'm not too sure why.  I want to push myself even harder tonight, since level two is just around the corner (and I need to prepare for another 4 or 5 days of constant aches and pains from a whole new workout) but at the same time, I don't want to injure myself.  I'm not feeling any strain or pain from my knees during the workouts, though.. I'll just have to pay some extra attention to them tonight.

Bought the Wii Zumba Fitness dance game and can say that I am thoroughly disappointed. They are terrible at teaching you the moves, giving you no instruction beyond emulating the person on screen. I tried, and they kept saying "Great, perfect!" even though I know I was getting nowhere near the moves.  I then stopped and just shook the controller, got plenty of "Great, perfect!" encouragements, and promptly shut it off.  I'm going to be returning that for sure.  Jade and I are interested in getting the Playstation Move, so perhaps I'll get a more pop-esque dancing game for that instead.   I just want some aerobics workouts that have a good beat to get lost in.

Fridays are going to be my weigh in days, along with the beginning/end days of the levels for the 30DS.  This morning, I hopped on my balance board, and took the plunge.  To be honest, I was a little scared of what the result would be since I know I've been gaining muscle (which is good, I know, but it's the psychological aspect of "failing" that I was afraid of)

Result: 200.5 lbs. That is a 7% loss from my starting weight. Awwwwww, yeeeaaahhh.

My goal is to be at least 190lbs before we leave for Las Vegas, and at this rate, that is so very, very achievable. I may even hit my high goal of being 175lbs by Christmas if I keep this up.

Gonna push through this and make it happen.  Emmie, if you're still reading this, you're up next.

Day 5, Level One

Again, didn't do this until late at night.  I don't want anyone else to see me doing it because I feel super vulnerable in my workout clothes and find myself in compromising positions for a lot of it.  I don't know if exercising so close before bed is good or bad, or if it doesn't matter, but I'm wondering if I'm having trouble because I do it at the end of the day.  I suppose it doesn't really matter, because I'm still pushing myself, and I'm still seeing results.

I ended up (mercifully) getting a few breaks for a couple minutes each during the workout, because the buffering on my PS3 kept freezing, forcing me to get up, wait, turn the machine off, turn it back on, wait some more, then find the video again. I also didn't quite meet my calories burned goal for the Wii Fit portion of my workout, but I did do about 75% of it.

Those damn push-ups in circuit one got me again.  I'm not even doing the real ones.. they're they girly half-push-up ones.  I'm proud though; even though I did take a few 5 second breaks, I managed to do two sets of 10 without stopping. That is an improvement for sure.

The jump rope cardio part is also challenging for me. I've modified the move even more to alternate from one foot to the next.. seems to be easier on my ankles.

Friday is my weigh in day.  I'm excited, but nervous.. I may not have lost any (in fact, I may have gained due to muscle) so I am preparing for that.  I have a feeling though, that as prepared as I may be for that possibility, it may really disappoint me.  Carry on, carry on.

Day 4, Level One

We didn't get home until about 10:45pm yesterday night.  While I know that a solid sleeping pattern is essential to health (especially when you're trying to get into shape) I did not want to let the fact that it is late stop me from doing my workout, so I threw on my workout clothes, rolled out the yoga mat, and started up the video.

Again, circuit one was a pain and a struggle to get through.  My greatest weakness: the push-ups.  It hurts my arms so badly when I do multiples that it makes the other exercises hard to do.  I did have to rest several times, but I made it through. I think I am going to practice push ups outside of my work out times to build up my endurance for those.

The rest of the workout was good for the most part.  Again, the weights are a little heavy for me to be doing both arms simultaneously for some of the exercises, but I've modified the ones that I am having trouble with to one arm at a time, with bursts of me pushing myself and doing both arms for as long as possible.

Instead of doing Jillian's cooldown, I did my own.  I skipped the Wii fit portion of my daily workout routine because by the time I was all done with this, it was just after midnight.  I'm going to make up for it tonight by finding ways to sneak in some extra exercise.

I am feeling pretty damn good today.. not sore at all, really.  I also broke my own rule and measured myself today before the week was up.. I'm rather pleased with the results.

I started with this:

B: 118
W: 102
H: 126

I now have these measurements:

B: 111.5cm
W: 101cm
H: 122cm

That is a total loss of 10.5cm, which is the equivalent of just over 4 inches. Holy. Fuck.

Day 3, Level One

My muscles ached so badly yesterday that I honestly (and truly) considered letting myself not do the workout for the evening.  Thankfully I didn't go easy on myself, and pushed through it.  I never regret a workout once its complete, but I certainly do regret going days without exercising.  I'm tired of allowing myself to make excuses.  The best results come from pushing through the undesirable and uncomfortable parts.

I had a hard time pushing through circuit 1.  The push ups honestly made me cry out because my arms are so sore and feel like jelly, but I did what I could. I stopped several times during the 30 second time frames, but I did not give up.  I only got through about half of the strength training exercises, but I did 'em too.  The only part that I felt I did adequately on was the abs.  Goodbye, tummy.

By the end of the first 10 minutes, and as we moved into circuit 2, I felt energized and ready to rock.  I seriously kicked circuit 2's ass.. didn't stop, did almost all of the advanced moves, and felt my endurance kick it up a notch. Nailed it!

I got through circuit 3 pretty well too, but by the end, I was exhausted and wanted to do nothing but lie on the floor and not move.  I did have to stop a couple of times, but they were very brief pauses, and I pushed myself double time to make up for them.

This morning I woke up with less aches in my legs and stomach, but my arms are still sore. I read some reviews about the 30DS online, and some people switch the levels up throughout their days.  I think I'm going to stick with the 10.10.10 method this round, and perhaps vary the levels the next time I decide to torture myself.  While doing the same routine for seven days in a row can get repetitive, I'm pretty sure it's designed to work with that timeframe.  I'm already seeing results, so I don't want to mess with it too much.

Today is Day 4, Level One. I am half looking forward to it, but I can also say that the 30 day goal feels so far away.

30 Day Shred

So, since I am kicking my own ass and forcing myself to be fully committed to creating healthy habits for life and all that jazz, I have decided that I am going to do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred challenge.  I almost wrote "try" but failure is not an option this time.

Not too long ago, I would have talked about it for a while, thought about it for a while longer, and eventually decide that I wasn't ready.  I discovered the video yesterday, and I started yesterday.  I'm going to do short journal entries for each day, and stick to it this time. 

Day One, Level One

I felt awkward in my new workout outfit since my shorts and top seemed to accentuate every roll, and somehow create new ones.  Fought through it.  I laid my mat down, grabbed my dumbbells, and strutted around the house for 10 minutes or so.  Jade kept looking at me, and I got a little self concious.  Called him on it, caught myself, and continued on.  I closed the doors to the living room and started the video.

While at work, I watched through the video so I knew what I was getting into.  I'm glad I did, because it made starting much less frightening.  The two women doing it with Jillian are Anita (for beginners) and Natalie (for advanced/returning people).  I followed Anita for most of the time, but did follow Natalie for some moves or half the time.

I did a lot better than I thought I would. My endurance definitely needs some work though.. I often stopped for longer than 5 seconds, but I didn't give up.  I fought through it and I completed it.  I missed half of a couple of the exercises, and dropped the dumbbells from a few of them (my arms ached so badly).  I am aware of my abs now, and my upper arms feel heavy.  Not hurting enough to think that I really pushed myself to my limits. Day two is going to be hell.

Day 2, Level One

Had to stop a couple times, but managed to push myself through some of the tough bits from yesterday. I got to the point where I was actually grunting and groaning, and while I didn't feel like I wanted to be sick during the workout, I certainly felt that way for a brief time afterwards.

My arms felt like butter, and I'm wondering if I should get myself some smaller/lighter weights.  The ones I have are 8lbs each and it seems like a lot to just dive right into.  I want to push myself, but not hurt myself. I can't go the whole 30 seconds per exercise with them both.  Maybe tomorrow I'll try it with the one and alternate hands.

Though I felt like I did worse today (because I had to stop), I think my endurance was up a bit.  I am proud of myself for the fact that I never stopped longer than one minute, and I hopped right back in even though I wanted to quit. I also completed more exercises than I did yesterday.

I want to succeed so badly.  This time my goals are going to be reached. This time, I am going to succeed and nothing is going to stop me.

I think it may be nap time now.

** Edit: So, my muscles certainly did ache mid-afternoon. I don't notice it until I get up to walk around, which I made sure to do every half hour or so. It's far too easy to just sit in front of a screen all day and get next to no physical activity.

New goals: Work on correcting posture, and ultimate goal weight is 160lbs.

I can fucking do this.

Today is the third day of me consciously not eating meat.  I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty fantastic, and I am super thankful to have a tasty, versatile protein alternative that is constantly at my fingertips (thanks, hemp seeds :D) since I really do not like tofu.

Portion control has been steady, and my sweet tooth seems to be under control.  I haven't had anything to drink besides water, skim milk, or coffee, and while sometimes I miss the taste of pepsi, I have found that over the past few months, when I have allowed myself to have some, I can barely finish half a can.  It's hard to believe that I used to easily down an entire 2L bottle and still want more.

My skin is looking amazing, too.  I'm going to chalk that up to the water consumption (I'm drinking at least 8-10 cups a day) and the good ol' hemp seeds and all their fancy omega oils.

I'm beginning to venture into the forums on myfitnesspal (while staying on top of my food diary entries).  I think this will be good.  The fact that I did not allow months and years to lapse between my efforts is making me feel even more confident in the changes that I"m making.

Weighed in this morning - 202lbs.  I am only four pounds away from being half way to my goal weight! (pre-Vegas. Seven more to go for that goal)

I FEEL SO FREAKING GOOD.

So, I did weigh myself the day I said I would, but I never got around to posting it.  Gained a bit back, as expected, but it is not as much as I thought it would be.  My weight was just under 203lbs.

I have been consistently eating breakfast, and keeping myself hydrated.  Need to work on getting more exercise and improve my sleeping routine.

I'd like to lose at least 10lbs before we head off to Vegas mid-October. Totally achievable if I stick to what I'm doing..

I'm reducing my meat consumption even more than I have been over the last few years.  Not going full out vegetarian, but I'm definitely going to be aiming for no more than 3 servings of meat per week, and I'm going to expand my recipe book and start trying new things. I need to get myself back in the kitchen regularly.

Tomorrow morning I will do a weigh in.  It's out there now.. I'm committed.

B: 118
W: 102
H: 126

That's what I'm restarting with.  I don't have my weight - I'll find out tomorrow morning.  It'd be easy if I had a scale, but all I've got is my Wii Fit balance board.

I've eaten breakfast two days in a row now, and I've decided that I'm going to start using myfitnesspal again to track my eating.  I was doing really well with that.. it seems to work by holding me accountable.

Didn't go skating last night, but I'm not going to make an excuse.  Instead, I'll go tonight.. even if it's only for half an hour. I'm going to push myself a little more, and make sure my ankle is wrapped just in case.

I'm still feeling exhausted, but I'm feeling good too.  One step at a time.. one day at a time.  Breathe.

Hormones; the bane of my efforts to eat healthy.

I love being a woman. I love being a female. I love pretty much everything about it.. except my period.  The hormones drive me crazy, the cramps are a bitch to deal with, and I am constantly craving salty, fatty, awful, and deliciously sinful foods.

I'm going to be straight up.. I've been lazy with my eating habits lately. I haven't cared about making sure I eat breakfast, or that I've had a lot of fried foods lately.  I have, however, been much better with portions (I eat so much less now comparatively.. and it is due to my body's own volition, huzzah!).  I haven't had as many veggies or fruit as I'd like, but that is more because it hasn't been available, rather than me just not eating them.

If I could, I'd eat nothing but veggies all the time.

I am trying to exercise more.  I flailed (and injured myself) at the derby tryouts, but I'm going to keep skating.  At least three times a week, making sure I get rest as well.  I really pushed myself the day before the try outs, and bailed pretty badly a few times.  I'm convinced that my body resisted and protested in outrage because I didn't not give it a chance to rest.

My throat is phlegmy and I've been feeling exhausted, but I'm going to keep on keeping on.  I will get my measurements again sometime this week and reboot this whole experience.  Perhaps not a daily blog, though.. a minumum of four times a week, maybe.

Open to your thoughts, concerns, and encouragement.

I kind of want to eat myself into oblivion right now.  I won't.. but, I want to.

Hmm.. so it's been over a month since I strayed from my attempt at making a habit.  I'm not sure if the lapse has been a good thing or not, but hey.. it is what it is.

Thanks to the support of one of my dearest friends, here I am again, trying to get re-inspired.  My eating habits lately have been not as great as they could be as far as choices go, but I am finding that portion control is virtually effortless now.  My stomach has shrunk a bit, and I am thankful for that.  I do not need as much to feel as full, and I am finding that I am generally only eating when I'm hungry.  Huzzah.

I've had a few drafts drawn up for longer posts, but I just can't bring myself to complete them.  This feels more candid.. more natural.  I think that perhaps leaving it at this - restarting small - will be the kickstart that I need to try to get back into the swing of things.

So, cheers to the path taken, and the path we are forging ahead!

The hormones are raging and I am suffering from some serious p.m.s. symptoms in the form of desiring all kinds of awful foods. Sweet, salty, greasy.. and the resistance was not entirely possible.

I went into Sidney this evening for a meeting.  Jade wandered the market, and came back with one of my favourite treats: a Hungarian langos; fried bread with sugar and just a wee bit of cinnamon.  I totally didn't even question it.  He's always been quite intuitive and has consistently brought me things that I want or need without ever mentioning it.  I'm not sure if it's because he knows me so well, or simply responds to hormones and pheromones on an instinctual level, but he sure is sweet to me when he wants to be.

We had it out this afternoon, but I came hope to a beautiful roast beef dinner; one of my favourite meals.  Even though it is not the healthiest, I can proudly say that I did watch my portions.  They were a little bigger than I've been having lately, but, c'est la vie.  I think I needed it.. my metabolism seems to have been kickstarted again and is in "go" mode.

I did give in to a bit of late night snacking, too.  It's okay, though.. nothing too awful.  A small bowl of tortilla chips and some salsa.. and a couple small slices of garlic sausage.  I still feel hungry.

I've begun adding some minor strength training into my regime with my dumbbells.  I've only got arm curls, and the one where you hold it behind your head at the moment.  I must research some good toning exercises to do with them.

I got a good walk in this morning (and was late for work because of it.. stupid buses not being on schedule.) If I had simply taken the route I usually walk, it would have been no problem.  Instead, however, I followed the bus route which takes about twice as long.  First came early and I missed it, so I figured I'd walk to the next stop.. then the second one came WAY early and I missed it too.  By the time the third one rolled past, I was 2 minutes away from my shop. Oh well.. no use stressing about that.

Anyway, lots to do tonight, so I think I'll end this here. I'm feeling productive, and very positive about what's to come.

I've been pretty involved with this whole lifestyle change.. and rightfully so, I think.  However, I'm beginning to feel a little bit of guilt about my ever growing "To Do" list.  Since I seem to have some solid ground work for these new habits I'm beginning to form, and my energy is increasing, I think it's time to start tackling it.

Now, a lot of things on this list may seem superficial or totally irrelevant to some people... quite a number of them have to do with a video game I play.  HOWEVER, I will not allow others to judge me based on this.  This other world is my escape; it's got some of my very best friends and is a place where I can complete immerse myself and express myself creatively.  I love it, and I shall nurture it over the next few days.

Though I have been throwing myself into work, the list there is ever growing as well.  I seem to have finally found a happy balance with those things.. while I am more than happy to work my fingers to the bone to get ahead and do what needs to be done, once I cross the line of "too much" the work I do is not of the same quality, and I sometimes have to repeat it.  Learning to say no was a hard lesson for me, and learning to allow myself to rest is another thing I need to tackle.

I looked up some lunch ideas and recipes.. and decided that I need some hummus.  In fact, I want to learn how to make hummus. When I'm finished this blog, I'm going to go make myself a buffalo chicken wrap for my lunch tomorrow. Just thinking about it makes me want one now - ugh.

I think I had too much protein today.  I mean, I feel fine, but I had yogurt, two eggs, hemp seeds, and chicken. Too much? Maybe. I found that I was wanting to eat a little more than I have been lately (not just the desire to eat out of habit, but actual hunger) but I think it's because I got a lot of exercise today.. or perhaps my metabolism is finally catching up to what I'm doing.

Today was a weigh in day, and I can proudly say that I have dropped almost 4 pounds since last time I reported.  I've also lost 2cm each off of my waist, hips, and bust. Woo, progress!  I do not expect to keep seeing nice big numbers since I'm sure a plateau is on the horizon, but I sure feel a lot better, and I'm beginning to foster a healthier relationship with food.  That all in itself is worth this journey.

Since the "high horse" incident, Jade has been telling me that I'm quiet, and more reserved than usual.  Perhaps I am.. it's not intentional, but I've been focusing almost all of my energy internally.  I need to heal. I need to challenge myself. And really, since he's decided he'd rather stand on the sidelines than coach or support me, I need to be my own rock.  The only person one can truly rely on is themselves. (Especially when I was just teased about calling this whole ordeal a journey that I am on. "Where are you going? This isn't Mordor.")

With that, I shall finish with my check-in report.

SW: 215
CW: 198 (-17)
Bust: 114 (-2)
Waist: 102 (-3)
Hips: 122 (-2)

I kind of missed breakfast this morning.. while I know I said it needs to be more than a banana, a banana is all I had time to grab before leaving for work (and it's still green, totally not ripe.)  I did, however, eat my green grapes (which were supposed to be one of my snacks, but I've still got some green beans for later). I spent my extra time making my lunch, which I'm a little more thankful for.  A roasted chicken sandwich on cheese bread, with red leaf lettuce, mustard, tomato and a wee bit of fat-free mayo.  It's gonna be delish.

Up early, work early, work all day, meeting tonight.. ugh.  I think I may go for a walk during the time I have in between work at the VWCA meeting tonight.  I've decided that I will be resigning from the board, but I will attend this last meeting as a show of good faith.  I simply don't have the time or energy for it any more.. I need to focus on me, and my business.

Focusing on work has been a good "rock" for me.  I can see progress, something tangible.. in a sense, I suppose, I'm using it to mirror what I'm trying to do for myself.  Be more efficient, get healthier, grow as a person.  I draw a lot of strength from the trials I have suffered through, but I'm hoping that there is some smooth sailing soon.

So, I find it ironic that on a day I intend to blog about how important a good night's sleep is to your overall health and fitness journey, I end up staying up until about 1:30am when I need to be up at 7am the next morning.  Huh.. interesting how life throws those curve balls at you.

I have been going to be around midnight for the last couple of weeks, and have really been thanking myself for it.  I have an easier time getting up in the morning (but, it's still a fight), find that I have more energy throughout the day, and I don't get the same heavy/acidic feeling in my stomach that I used to wake up with regularly.

Sadly, this morning, those feelings returned.  It did not help that we went to Denny 's after swimming.. and I couldn't really find anything somewhat healthy that seemed appealing.  I ended up having some chicken strips and a garden salad.  Doesn't sound too bad, right?  While it could have been worse, I definitely will not be repeating that mistake.  The salad was alright, but didn't have any dark, leafy greens; just bagged iceberg lettuce.  The chicken strips were tasty, but loaded with salt and other horrific things, I'm sure.  While certain chicken strips are alright for this whole diet change thing, these ones must be closer to the "totally awful" end of the scale.

All I can do is learn from the mistake, remember this feeling, and try not to repeat it.  While indulging is okay every now and then, this was not one of my cheat days.  Gotta keep that in check.

I was told by my husband to "get off [my] high horse" when I was a little distressed that I couldn't find anything that fit into my plan.  I tried looking up the nutritional information on my phone, but it's old, and cranky, and didn't want to load properly.  I've decided that I am no longer going to look for him for support. This is my journey, my recovery, and me taking charge of my life.  He is lucky enough to have never had to struggle with an eating disorder, so, as cliche as it sounds, he simply doesn't understand the struggle.  I'm not making excuses for him, I'm trying to make it easier for me to not depend on his support or encouragement because he's made it clear he's not going to offer either.

I promised myself no shame. No hate. No guilt.  I'm not going to let those feelings get to me. They're banished.  I won't let myself accept those feelings, and I sure as hell am not going to let him make me feel those things.