Hmm.. so it's been over a month since I strayed from my attempt at making a habit.  I'm not sure if the lapse has been a good thing or not, but hey.. it is what it is.

Thanks to the support of one of my dearest friends, here I am again, trying to get re-inspired.  My eating habits lately have been not as great as they could be as far as choices go, but I am finding that portion control is virtually effortless now.  My stomach has shrunk a bit, and I am thankful for that.  I do not need as much to feel as full, and I am finding that I am generally only eating when I'm hungry.  Huzzah.

I've had a few drafts drawn up for longer posts, but I just can't bring myself to complete them.  This feels more candid.. more natural.  I think that perhaps leaving it at this - restarting small - will be the kickstart that I need to try to get back into the swing of things.

So, cheers to the path taken, and the path we are forging ahead!

The hormones are raging and I am suffering from some serious p.m.s. symptoms in the form of desiring all kinds of awful foods. Sweet, salty, greasy.. and the resistance was not entirely possible.

I went into Sidney this evening for a meeting.  Jade wandered the market, and came back with one of my favourite treats: a Hungarian langos; fried bread with sugar and just a wee bit of cinnamon.  I totally didn't even question it.  He's always been quite intuitive and has consistently brought me things that I want or need without ever mentioning it.  I'm not sure if it's because he knows me so well, or simply responds to hormones and pheromones on an instinctual level, but he sure is sweet to me when he wants to be.

We had it out this afternoon, but I came hope to a beautiful roast beef dinner; one of my favourite meals.  Even though it is not the healthiest, I can proudly say that I did watch my portions.  They were a little bigger than I've been having lately, but, c'est la vie.  I think I needed it.. my metabolism seems to have been kickstarted again and is in "go" mode.

I did give in to a bit of late night snacking, too.  It's okay, though.. nothing too awful.  A small bowl of tortilla chips and some salsa.. and a couple small slices of garlic sausage.  I still feel hungry.

I've begun adding some minor strength training into my regime with my dumbbells.  I've only got arm curls, and the one where you hold it behind your head at the moment.  I must research some good toning exercises to do with them.

I got a good walk in this morning (and was late for work because of it.. stupid buses not being on schedule.) If I had simply taken the route I usually walk, it would have been no problem.  Instead, however, I followed the bus route which takes about twice as long.  First came early and I missed it, so I figured I'd walk to the next stop.. then the second one came WAY early and I missed it too.  By the time the third one rolled past, I was 2 minutes away from my shop. Oh well.. no use stressing about that.

Anyway, lots to do tonight, so I think I'll end this here. I'm feeling productive, and very positive about what's to come.

I've been pretty involved with this whole lifestyle change.. and rightfully so, I think.  However, I'm beginning to feel a little bit of guilt about my ever growing "To Do" list.  Since I seem to have some solid ground work for these new habits I'm beginning to form, and my energy is increasing, I think it's time to start tackling it.

Now, a lot of things on this list may seem superficial or totally irrelevant to some people... quite a number of them have to do with a video game I play.  HOWEVER, I will not allow others to judge me based on this.  This other world is my escape; it's got some of my very best friends and is a place where I can complete immerse myself and express myself creatively.  I love it, and I shall nurture it over the next few days.

Though I have been throwing myself into work, the list there is ever growing as well.  I seem to have finally found a happy balance with those things.. while I am more than happy to work my fingers to the bone to get ahead and do what needs to be done, once I cross the line of "too much" the work I do is not of the same quality, and I sometimes have to repeat it.  Learning to say no was a hard lesson for me, and learning to allow myself to rest is another thing I need to tackle.

I looked up some lunch ideas and recipes.. and decided that I need some hummus.  In fact, I want to learn how to make hummus. When I'm finished this blog, I'm going to go make myself a buffalo chicken wrap for my lunch tomorrow. Just thinking about it makes me want one now - ugh.

I think I had too much protein today.  I mean, I feel fine, but I had yogurt, two eggs, hemp seeds, and chicken. Too much? Maybe. I found that I was wanting to eat a little more than I have been lately (not just the desire to eat out of habit, but actual hunger) but I think it's because I got a lot of exercise today.. or perhaps my metabolism is finally catching up to what I'm doing.

Today was a weigh in day, and I can proudly say that I have dropped almost 4 pounds since last time I reported.  I've also lost 2cm each off of my waist, hips, and bust. Woo, progress!  I do not expect to keep seeing nice big numbers since I'm sure a plateau is on the horizon, but I sure feel a lot better, and I'm beginning to foster a healthier relationship with food.  That all in itself is worth this journey.

Since the "high horse" incident, Jade has been telling me that I'm quiet, and more reserved than usual.  Perhaps I am.. it's not intentional, but I've been focusing almost all of my energy internally.  I need to heal. I need to challenge myself. And really, since he's decided he'd rather stand on the sidelines than coach or support me, I need to be my own rock.  The only person one can truly rely on is themselves. (Especially when I was just teased about calling this whole ordeal a journey that I am on. "Where are you going? This isn't Mordor.")

With that, I shall finish with my check-in report.

SW: 215
CW: 198 (-17)
Bust: 114 (-2)
Waist: 102 (-3)
Hips: 122 (-2)

I kind of missed breakfast this morning.. while I know I said it needs to be more than a banana, a banana is all I had time to grab before leaving for work (and it's still green, totally not ripe.)  I did, however, eat my green grapes (which were supposed to be one of my snacks, but I've still got some green beans for later). I spent my extra time making my lunch, which I'm a little more thankful for.  A roasted chicken sandwich on cheese bread, with red leaf lettuce, mustard, tomato and a wee bit of fat-free mayo.  It's gonna be delish.

Up early, work early, work all day, meeting tonight.. ugh.  I think I may go for a walk during the time I have in between work at the VWCA meeting tonight.  I've decided that I will be resigning from the board, but I will attend this last meeting as a show of good faith.  I simply don't have the time or energy for it any more.. I need to focus on me, and my business.

Focusing on work has been a good "rock" for me.  I can see progress, something tangible.. in a sense, I suppose, I'm using it to mirror what I'm trying to do for myself.  Be more efficient, get healthier, grow as a person.  I draw a lot of strength from the trials I have suffered through, but I'm hoping that there is some smooth sailing soon.

So, I find it ironic that on a day I intend to blog about how important a good night's sleep is to your overall health and fitness journey, I end up staying up until about 1:30am when I need to be up at 7am the next morning.  Huh.. interesting how life throws those curve balls at you.

I have been going to be around midnight for the last couple of weeks, and have really been thanking myself for it.  I have an easier time getting up in the morning (but, it's still a fight), find that I have more energy throughout the day, and I don't get the same heavy/acidic feeling in my stomach that I used to wake up with regularly.

Sadly, this morning, those feelings returned.  It did not help that we went to Denny 's after swimming.. and I couldn't really find anything somewhat healthy that seemed appealing.  I ended up having some chicken strips and a garden salad.  Doesn't sound too bad, right?  While it could have been worse, I definitely will not be repeating that mistake.  The salad was alright, but didn't have any dark, leafy greens; just bagged iceberg lettuce.  The chicken strips were tasty, but loaded with salt and other horrific things, I'm sure.  While certain chicken strips are alright for this whole diet change thing, these ones must be closer to the "totally awful" end of the scale.

All I can do is learn from the mistake, remember this feeling, and try not to repeat it.  While indulging is okay every now and then, this was not one of my cheat days.  Gotta keep that in check.

I was told by my husband to "get off [my] high horse" when I was a little distressed that I couldn't find anything that fit into my plan.  I tried looking up the nutritional information on my phone, but it's old, and cranky, and didn't want to load properly.  I've decided that I am no longer going to look for him for support. This is my journey, my recovery, and me taking charge of my life.  He is lucky enough to have never had to struggle with an eating disorder, so, as cliche as it sounds, he simply doesn't understand the struggle.  I'm not making excuses for him, I'm trying to make it easier for me to not depend on his support or encouragement because he's made it clear he's not going to offer either.

I promised myself no shame. No hate. No guilt.  I'm not going to let those feelings get to me. They're banished.  I won't let myself accept those feelings, and I sure as hell am not going to let him make me feel those things.

Week One: Complete

I am now one whole week into my new regime.  I'm feeling pretty good about it so far -  nothing has felt forced, I have not once felt guilt or shame, and I am feeling fantastic physically.

Today I drove into Sidney to visit Capital Iron and buy myself a food scale.  It's a little StarFrit one, but it is fantastic.  It has grams/kilograms, and ounces and pounds, making it very easy to compare portions to labels and various other nutritional information.  I've been eyeballing it for a while, but it seems that I was pretty close to being on track with most things that I've recorded so far.  Since it's the weekend, and one of my cheat days, I portioned out some chips.  It's all fine and good to think that we're having one serving when we try to stop ourselves, but I am a very visual learner.  Seeing what 50g looks like makes my life so much easier.  The fact that it's separated in a bowl and the bag is put away is another huge improvement.  I don't eat simply because it's there, and I'm not tempted by the sight/smell of more. Huzzah!

Writing in this blog has become a part of my night time routine.  While I am normally a stickler for editing, this blog is written simply as I think. My whole thought process just spills out into cyberspace. I do this for two reasons.. one, to be able to later reflect what state of mind I was in when I wrote it so I can review and evaluate my journey, two, to not censor myself; if this journey is to be about getting healthy, then I need to focus on a holistic approach.  I need to nurture my mental, emotional, and spiritual self too.  Letting the words flow helps me get these things out of my head. It puts the energy out into the universe.. who cares if it's not my best writing work?  This is for me, and me alone. I guess it helps, too, that I think I am my best work, eh?

My goals over the last week have been: 

• Eat breakfast
• Take a lunch to work
• Blog daily
• Work on portion control
• Exercise daily

I would say that I have succeeded in all of those things, but I could improve the amount of exercise I'm getting, and I would like to expand the recipes and types of food that I bring to work with me for lunch.  Breakfast also needs to be more than a banana.  I am proud of the fact that I have been able to meet most requirements for my goals.. and shall now work on improving those standards.  The above stated will be perpetual goals. Every Sunday I will state additional weekly goals, to go along with them.

My goals over the next week will be:

• Introduce strength training at least three times a week
• Start practicing yoga again, and perhaps find a class (that's not too expensive) or a video to follow
• Find more healthy recipes
• Roller skate

Yes, I think that'll do for now. With that, I am off to dream land - good night, World.

Cheat Day~

So, every healthy lifestyle includes wiggle room.  I call my wiggle room my cheat days; days where I'm careful about what I eat, but also allow myself to have treats without guilt and without shame.  Denying myself junk food or comfort foods will just push me off of the giant cliff of binge eating.. and I really don't want that.

I found that even with that allowance I didn't do so badly.  I had a rather decadent sandwich for lunch, went out for East Indian food dinner (which I wasn't a huge fan of, to be honest - it was a buffet, and a lot of the food looked as if it had been sitting under the heat lamps for a while) and had an ice cream cone.  I had only one plateful at dinner, and it was not stacked high.  I walked away feeling sated, and good. Not overstuffed, not bloated.. it was a very nice feeling.

I also found that I was more willing to exercise to work off the treats when I wasn't telling myself that I had to.. simply that it is a healthy decision, but won't be the end of the world if I decide against it.  Out of that whole deal, I got a walk around Beacon Hill Park, and some fun with my Wii Fit.  So hard done by, right?

I think I am going to make my weigh in days be Sunday and Wednesdays.  I would really like to invest in a bathroom scale, and a kitchen scale (for my food - easier portioning, woo!).  I shall look into those tomorrow.

All in all, I realised that stressing and getting upset over things is not going to fix anything. I'm going to turn myself around and be positive and choose to be happy.  We attract the kind of energy that we put out there, so why walk in the darkness when I could be dancing in the sunlight?